Virtual love (2)

This is the story of the main protagonist whom you met last year. This time she tells you about the events that lead to that fateful night.

“I closed one eye whilst my finger was above the right click of the mouse, accepting a stranger. But you were never a stranger. I however knew you before all this, before choices were made and distance of you from me, like a breath being needed to be felt, a heart beat needing to be heard was so close. As if then, the click will bring you to me. We had been living separately, in different places, different states of minds. And that time years ago when we loved each other, we were not hiding behind fake names and photos and lives. I hope it is not too late, that we still have a chance.

It took  me years to find you. I had spent years trying to reconnect but the bitterness and the disapproval of our love drove me into an accident that laid me in a coma. I am not blaming you, do not get me wrong. In that time I became a woman, but my feelings stayed true, true to finding my true love. But love is not easy to find. So I hope you don’t mind me saying all this, I really hope you get to understand why I had been gone so long, and why I am here now.

I had not planned on a fake account but what could I have done  with the internet swamped with people who wanted to take advantage? I just wanted to stalk you from afar, give occasional likes and share your statuses, your photos, like a hopeless groupie from afar. I knew you could not know who I was. A lot had changed. I had changed.”

After typing all that, her fingers swollen and hurting and almost bleeding, she read the inbox out loud, After all the energy and her ideas , she erased all of those words you just read. She closed her eyes and clicked on the unfriend button of his account but the internet stayed buffering on and the universe never allowed her to act on that. She retrieved this conversation from the last log in, where the laptop saved her thoughts without permission and laid bare her emotions….

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Virtual Love (1)

Night came in faster that day. She had made up her mind. She had finally found the words to say and the place to say it at. She wiped the make up from her face, took off the lashes, took of her weave, it was as if a heavy load had been lifted. The mirror reflected her anxiety and her fear. She tried deflecting the image by faking a smile. But it was time for honesty, to break down the walls and tell the truth. She had to because he was the one. He is the one. She had thought about it, about how perfect it was going to go. Until tonight.

There was a knock at the door. They started to turn into angry knocks, into violent knocks. She stayed staring at the door, wondering who it could be because she was sure it was not him. He was gentle. And he would have called first and he would not hit the door that fast, that loud. She thought to herself.

“When were you going to tell me?”, he barged in. His face was full of anger and it scared her. She had not seen that face before. Not in any photo she spent nights stalking and keeping. “You lied to me!”

Puzzled, she could not fathom how he got to the truth without hearing it from her. She was lost for words.

“Tell me why? Why did you do all this?”

“I wanted to tell you the truth the moment I saw your face. I realized you knew me, you knew us.  Long ago we used to trust each other. Even though we were wrapped in lust we could not last. So before you say anything, please listen”, she let out the words as fast as she could, hoping for a reasonable understanding.

“What is it that you will say to make me understand why you would go around posing to be someone you are not?”, his hands over his head, failing to grasp what had happened.

“Because I was afraid you would not love my truth, that even though I was honest you will not let go of the past.”

“So lying helps?”, he shouted.

“NO, yes, maybe. Did it?”, she came closer and closer to him, whispering, trying to calm him down.

Silence befell them, their eyes met and tears ran through her cheeks, his hurt was so visible.

“I fell for you. I thought you and I could be more, then you go on and do something like this”, he put his hands over his eyes, stopping tears from coming out.

“I know, I am sorry:, she said through crying sniffs.

“Its too late for that”, he shut the door harder and it hurt. It hurt her.

She looked around the room, the flowers were already drying off, losing their color, the candles had lost their scent and their flame was ironically dying off. She glanced at the piles of letters she failed to send him all these years.

She dragged her chair and switched on her computer, she logged onto the site where she created a world she so loved, one which she thought would become a reality. She went through the messages, from the first time they spoke, to the first spark and the first dates. She thought of the ways she could have come clean but that world trapped her in so much she could not really break it and instead is broke her. She then realized, that this is how it all started…..

Its done

The band mark prominently felt on the finger that once promised was there. The encryption, ‘Forever Always’ stayed permanently tatooed. And, ‘I love you’, tasted like acid on the tongue. But forever was never going to come because death sharply pierced through a life built. We could have been intertwined like roots from a tree. But you cut us before the seventh spring came. So we never sprouted this time….

TRAPPED: 2nd Chapter

Machine sounds were the only music she heard. She could feel her chest had been cut into. She felt it. She could make out the yellow roses on her bedside but could not take in their scent. But she saw them breathe through the wrapping.

‘Its time for your meds’, Nurse Mpho interrupted.

She was making a count of how may times the machine beeped and at what breath she took in and out. So she looked away.

‘Dr Tlhare, you have to let me take care of you’, she softly said. ‘You just had a major heart surgery. You need the meds’.

‘I know that and I do not need the meds’, she barked at the nurse.

Once the door closed, she tried to recall how she became a patient not the Dr. All she could remember was being in court and then collapsing.

‘Can I come in? Theetso opened the door.

He was trying not to make his client worried. But as her lawyer he had to make her aware of everything.

‘We are in deep trouble now Maria. Your shooter has been identified’, he sieved through his files.

‘I was shot? By who? He’s dead’, Maria hysterically panicked in realization.

‘Hey come down’, rubbing his hands over her shoulder. ‘Mmatli Thornton is the suspect’.

‘His son? How?’, Maria was completely shocked.

‘He is being taken into custody. In fact he gave himself up for the police.’

Theetso gave her a file on Mmatli. The first thing a doctor does is identify the age of the patient. So she did, naturally. The year in which he was born gave her goosebumps.

‘Don’t worry. He will be imprisoned and we will finish with this case. This will all blow away.’ Theetso leaned in to kiss Maria.

At Tlharelamosu Police Station, there were cameras everywhere. It wasn’t everyday where a criminal brought himself forward. Journalists were trying to get in to get first hand information.

Detective Nnete, a well built man with a beard that covered most of his face entered the interrogation room.

‘Son? We don’t want this to take long. Make it snappy!’, he bellowed.

‘It was a mistake. Shooting her at her heart. Is she alive? Mmatli worryingly asked. There were tears in his eyes. Nnete assumed like all other suspects, he was faking it.

‘So you meant to shoot her where?’, Nnete’s face became clear as he came close to Mmatli’s face.

‘It was the only way to make sure my mother knew me’, Mmatli’s face had no remorse.

‘Your mother? Your file says your adopted mother died a year ago in a car crash.’

‘Yes my adoptive mother died. I meant my biological mother.’

‘You are going to have to be more clear son’.

‘Dr Maria Tlhare is my mother!, his scream was heard throughout the floor.

In that time journalist were flocking to the interrogation room to take pictures of the confession.

Maria had had a long day. There were no magazines or newspapers to read and she could not even read her chart. The remote was there. The TV was on. So she switched to the news channel.

Downstairs Theetso angrily opened the hospital door. He had just heard the news.

‘Excuse me Sir! Visiting hours are over!’, the security guard tried to restrain Theetso.

Bursting into Maria’s room, he got in just in time for the news. Catching his breath, he tried to speak. But the news were ahead if him.

‘Making headlines, the prime suspect of Dr Maria Tlhare’s shooting is no other than her son, Matli Thornton.’, the news reader went on.

‘You had a son? With him? Maria is that why you killed him?’, Theetso went on his knees.

Maria could not make out the situation. But earlier when she read through the file, she had suspicions. But how do you tell your lawyer who is also your lover that you had a son with the man you murdered?

Trapped

Where do I start? At the part where I think its overdue to express feelings or hide emotions in words, hoping you will decipher the depth of emotion that I’m drowning in? Or where now I break down into tears, lost for words to show you how in love I am with you? It used to be an easy thing to do back in the day, to write up a letter to the one you adore without any complexity and know you will get an answer soon. These days, technology has taken up the most part and those you love think you are joking when you let them in on how you feel. Do we feel though? Do we understand emotion like its supposed to be or are we busy convincing ourselves that love does not exist anymore, that being single is the only way to not get hurt?

But it hurts, when you are in love with someone so much you cannot see anyone else in the same light. But you are too proud to admit and they are too blind to see how much your heart beats for them entirely. Like how my best friend, Kgosi is. He is that guy, whom every girl likes, he looks good in anything and there was something about his voice, they say. But the point is I loved him not for what the girls loved him for, I loved him for his humility. But in his eyes I was his sister and that is why he asked me to be his best lady. I am trying to make sense of it all. I think everyone is trying the same because we had been so close yet so apart.

‘Hey! Snap out it!,You are supposed to be helping me here’, with a tie on one hand and that familiar smirk he brought me back to reality.

‘Blue or black?’, trying the ties I bought him from India in front of the full body mirror.

‘Kgosi you know that this is not necessary’, looking away, I tried to act as normally as I can.

‘Of course it is, you are the only one I trust. Come on! Blue or Black?, he came closer to me and my heart beat escalated. ‘Tie it on’. There was no way I could have refused any moment with him.

That could have been the perfect time to tell him the truth.Where I saw his eyes close and gentle, where his hands were soft and kept brushing mine kindly. Before I could even utter a word, I could hear Tshepo’s footsteps even before he called out my name.

‘Alexis? Are you guys done?’, opening the door abruptly. Immediately, I put my hands down. As if I had been caught doing something criminal.

‘Did I interrupt?’, rolling eyes and rubbing hands gleefully.

‘Come on man! What could we be possibly doing?’, fist pumping Tshepo. Felt like my heart sank in that moment.

As I looked out the window, the weather was calm, the leaves were dancing softly and the sun was shying away from the sky. It was good weather. Nothing like what I had hoped for. No swelling clouds, harsh winds or thunderous lightning. It was frustrating.

‘Pass me the vows?’, Kgosi whispered over my shoulder.

Our conversations had always been sensual. That is why for the most part I thought he knew how I felt. That in any time he would stop all of this. But there she was on his bed side table. She was nothing like the girl he would marry. And that did not come out as a jealous streak but the honest truth. She was not his type. But there she was.

Tshepo received a phone call and naturally left the room. Although there was some suspicion as to how down he replied after his enormous hello, it did not bother me much. All I cared for was the moments alone I had with Kgosi.

‘We really must get going’, Kgosi took my hand. I did not want to let him go. I could not let him go. And because his grip went for his tie in no time then back to mine, I thought he would be marrying me not Pelo.

But love is very painful. Here I was, with rings in my jacket, escorting my best friend to marry a girl I hardly knew. A girl who I knew will take him away from our hikes, morning jogs, movie weekends and sleepovers. A girl who would never comprehend the connection I had with her husband if at all they seal the deal. Because deep within, I was praying for anything to happen to stop this. Anything but what we heard when we left the room.

‘Kgosi, I think you should sit down for this’, Tshepo spoke head down.

‘Dude, can you please not joke about this. We are late for the church service and my bride is probably worried sick! Lets go!’, Kgosi said ignoring the seriousness in Tshepo’s face.

‘Alexis, please come here’, taking my hand and becoming all serious. ‘Something really bad just happened and we need you to take back Kgosi to the room.’ His eyes were gravely and for someone who jokes a lot, I cold not trace the element of fun in his words. So I did as I asked. I should have asked him what had happened but that was the least of my worries. All I had was Kgosi in my mind.

I thought that mother nature gave me time to reconcile my feelings again and gave me a chance to tell Kgosi how I really felt about him. Back at the room, Kgosi kept pacing, calling everyone but no one seemed to answer him. So I did the only thing I knew would calm him down, I hugged him. I felt his racing heart against my chest and he started to breathe slower than before.I did not plan for what happened next to happen. But so to clarify, he kissed me first. It was nothing like what I had imagined to be, nothing like how I pictured it five years ago, the first time we met.

‘Oh my! I’m really sorry Alex. I shouldn’t have’, Kgosi let go of me barely seeing how happy I was.

‘Kgosi, there is something I need ti tell you’, having gathered some confidence, ‘I, I, I’m, I lo-‘, the door opened in that second.

‘Kgosi the wedding can’t go on man’, Tshepo panted.

‘Why? We are just three hours late, it can still go on. Where is Pelo?’, putting on his jacket and getting ready to leave.

There was an awkward silence for the most part.Especially when Tshepo was trying to tell me something with his eyes.It felt like he knew what we did. I though he meant to stop the wedding cause he knew of how I felt about Kgosi.

‘Tshepo? Whats going on?’, Kgosi was angry now, more than I had ever seen him.

Just when he was about to hit Tshepo with a fist rolled and eyes red, ‘Pelo is dead! She has been involved in a car accident’, Tshepo finally let out.

Kgosi felt powerless, and tears welled at the corner of his eyes. He sat next to me on the chair. I for one was completely thrown at how my prayers had turned out to be. So when I said, ‘Its my fault’, Kgosi thought I was guilty from the kiss. While Tshepo had his own understanding.

‘You hired people to shoot and drive her into a river?’, Tshepo asked. And confusingly, I nodded.

I nodded cause I felt completely responsible for everything. For not being open and honest from the beginning. For making my friends believe how strong I was for not acting upon my emotions no matter how bad they hurt? There we were, three friends, on a wedding day without the wedding. Two friends who kissed. So, where do I start,to tell the man I have been in love with all my life, that I loved him even before all of this. Would he understand though, how much I really cared for him or would he now think I am taking advantage that his wife-to-be died. Would he know how hard it was for me to finally tell him the feelings I had for him? Would he realize that they were not triggered by the kiss we shared? What time would be right though? What words? What form, do you peep through the keyhole of the door of friendship and whisper silently, ‘I love you’?