Where do I start? At the part where I think its overdue to express feelings or hide emotions in words, hoping you will decipher the depth of emotion that I’m drowning in? Or where now I break down into tears, lost for words to show you how in love I am with you? It used to be an easy thing to do back in the day, to write up a letter to the one you adore without any complexity and know you will get an answer soon. These days, technology has taken up the most part and those you love think you are joking when you let them in on how you feel. Do we feel though? Do we understand emotion like its supposed to be or are we busy convincing ourselves that love does not exist anymore, that being single is the only way to not get hurt?
But it hurts, when you are in love with someone so much you cannot see anyone else in the same light. But you are too proud to admit and they are too blind to see how much your heart beats for them entirely. Like how my best friend, Kgosi is. He is that guy, whom every girl likes, he looks good in anything and there was something about his voice, they say. But the point is I loved him not for what the girls loved him for, I loved him for his humility. But in his eyes I was his sister and that is why he asked me to be his best lady. I am trying to make sense of it all. I think everyone is trying the same because we had been so close yet so apart.
‘Hey! Snap out it!,You are supposed to be helping me here’, with a tie on one hand and that familiar smirk he brought me back to reality.
‘Blue or black?’, trying the ties I bought him from India in front of the full body mirror.
‘Kgosi you know that this is not necessary’, looking away, I tried to act as normally as I can.
‘Of course it is, you are the only one I trust. Come on! Blue or Black?, he came closer to me and my heart beat escalated. ‘Tie it on’. There was no way I could have refused any moment with him.
That could have been the perfect time to tell him the truth.Where I saw his eyes close and gentle, where his hands were soft and kept brushing mine kindly. Before I could even utter a word, I could hear Tshepo’s footsteps even before he called out my name.
‘Alexis? Are you guys done?’, opening the door abruptly. Immediately, I put my hands down. As if I had been caught doing something criminal.
‘Did I interrupt?’, rolling eyes and rubbing hands gleefully.
‘Come on man! What could we be possibly doing?’, fist pumping Tshepo. Felt like my heart sank in that moment.
As I looked out the window, the weather was calm, the leaves were dancing softly and the sun was shying away from the sky. It was good weather. Nothing like what I had hoped for. No swelling clouds, harsh winds or thunderous lightning. It was frustrating.
‘Pass me the vows?’, Kgosi whispered over my shoulder.
Our conversations had always been sensual. That is why for the most part I thought he knew how I felt. That in any time he would stop all of this. But there she was on his bed side table. She was nothing like the girl he would marry. And that did not come out as a jealous streak but the honest truth. She was not his type. But there she was.
Tshepo received a phone call and naturally left the room. Although there was some suspicion as to how down he replied after his enormous hello, it did not bother me much. All I cared for was the moments alone I had with Kgosi.
‘We really must get going’, Kgosi took my hand. I did not want to let him go. I could not let him go. And because his grip went for his tie in no time then back to mine, I thought he would be marrying me not Pelo.
But love is very painful. Here I was, with rings in my jacket, escorting my best friend to marry a girl I hardly knew. A girl who I knew will take him away from our hikes, morning jogs, movie weekends and sleepovers. A girl who would never comprehend the connection I had with her husband if at all they seal the deal. Because deep within, I was praying for anything to happen to stop this. Anything but what we heard when we left the room.
‘Kgosi, I think you should sit down for this’, Tshepo spoke head down.
‘Dude, can you please not joke about this. We are late for the church service and my bride is probably worried sick! Lets go!’, Kgosi said ignoring the seriousness in Tshepo’s face.
‘Alexis, please come here’, taking my hand and becoming all serious. ‘Something really bad just happened and we need you to take back Kgosi to the room.’ His eyes were gravely and for someone who jokes a lot, I cold not trace the element of fun in his words. So I did as I asked. I should have asked him what had happened but that was the least of my worries. All I had was Kgosi in my mind.
I thought that mother nature gave me time to reconcile my feelings again and gave me a chance to tell Kgosi how I really felt about him. Back at the room, Kgosi kept pacing, calling everyone but no one seemed to answer him. So I did the only thing I knew would calm him down, I hugged him. I felt his racing heart against my chest and he started to breathe slower than before.I did not plan for what happened next to happen. But so to clarify, he kissed me first. It was nothing like what I had imagined to be, nothing like how I pictured it five years ago, the first time we met.
‘Oh my! I’m really sorry Alex. I shouldn’t have’, Kgosi let go of me barely seeing how happy I was.
‘Kgosi, there is something I need ti tell you’, having gathered some confidence, ‘I, I, I’m, I lo-‘, the door opened in that second.
‘Kgosi the wedding can’t go on man’, Tshepo panted.
‘Why? We are just three hours late, it can still go on. Where is Pelo?’, putting on his jacket and getting ready to leave.
There was an awkward silence for the most part.Especially when Tshepo was trying to tell me something with his eyes.It felt like he knew what we did. I though he meant to stop the wedding cause he knew of how I felt about Kgosi.
‘Tshepo? Whats going on?’, Kgosi was angry now, more than I had ever seen him.
Just when he was about to hit Tshepo with a fist rolled and eyes red, ‘Pelo is dead! She has been involved in a car accident’, Tshepo finally let out.
Kgosi felt powerless, and tears welled at the corner of his eyes. He sat next to me on the chair. I for one was completely thrown at how my prayers had turned out to be. So when I said, ‘Its my fault’, Kgosi thought I was guilty from the kiss. While Tshepo had his own understanding.
‘You hired people to shoot and drive her into a river?’, Tshepo asked. And confusingly, I nodded.
I nodded cause I felt completely responsible for everything. For not being open and honest from the beginning. For making my friends believe how strong I was for not acting upon my emotions no matter how bad they hurt? There we were, three friends, on a wedding day without the wedding. Two friends who kissed. So, where do I start,to tell the man I have been in love with all my life, that I loved him even before all of this. Would he understand though, how much I really cared for him or would he now think I am taking advantage that his wife-to-be died. Would he know how hard it was for me to finally tell him the feelings I had for him? Would he realize that they were not triggered by the kiss we shared? What time would be right though? What words? What form, do you peep through the keyhole of the door of friendship and whisper silently, ‘I love you’?