I will not write about love for I feel its meaning has been diluted. By those who have dressed it up as something so conceited. They have made love a word you use when you feel like it not as a symbol of emotions from within. Love has been stained with beatings, stalkings and forced sexual relations that it has lost its identity.
So I will not write about love when I write to you my feelings. For they are beyond what almost anyone finds comfort in. They are raw, void of perfection. They are strong though, they suffocate me sometimes. And when I need to tell you, they leave me standing there, wordless. I wish there were words I could use but in truth, it is not love.
Love left me questioning when a girl barely in her teens announced through a poem how ‘inlove’ she was. I asked myself, how concentrated were her emotions to comprehend them as an experience of being in love. It left me again when a man who vowed to love his wife, declared in front of others how he will ever hurt her yet he beat her each time he felt like. I thought, did he forget his promise? Love definitely left me when I saw on the news that a woman killed her new born child. Love? That is what it is?
So, no. This is not love. it is something beyond that. Its not butterflies twirling in my stomach no, its my heart racing. Its the way I do not want to see you go or how much your voice makes my racing heart to beat slow. Yes, its not nervous when I see you but anxiety when I see your face, yes! Its the way your hands hold mine. The way you allow me to be myself and surely how you know what I am thinking. When we finish each others’ sentences.
How you are not afraid to let the world know how you feel about me. How you introduce me to your friends as your soul mate and to your family as the woman you will marry. How you set boundaries to define to others how exclusive we are yet you are still gentle to their feelings. How you are willing to help without being asked. You are always there for me and I am thankful I found you. Or rather that you found me searching for love. You are the reason I have something better than love. In honesty, this? I have never felt.
I am writing you this so you know. I am looking for the word to describe this. So that I say it at the alter when I promise you my heart as you already have my soul.